


Hold on to love. (On to me).

by Lorirose



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Family, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25208179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorirose/pseuds/Lorirose
Summary: Ben never saw it coming. Callum had been happy, he was laughing and joking. Beautiful. Then one day, he was gone. And Ben tore the world apart to bring him home. But the man who returns isn't the same. Now, Ben has to fix what others have broken and convince Callum that life is worth living even with a fractured heart.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 8
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

Hold on to love. (On to me).

Ben Mitchell.

The morning sun filtered through the gap in the curtains that I never remembered to close. I scrunched up my eyes and turned to press my face into the pillow, desperately clinging to the remnants of sleep. Fingers stroked through my hair and I peeked at Callum, unable to stop the smile from creeping onto my lips. In the early glow, my man was breath taking, all golden and soft and mine. When he realised that I was watching him, he grinned and shuffled closer. I touched the pad of my finger to his smile. Callum's hand curled around my hip. In the street below us, life slowly started to wake but in our bed time had slowed. 

"Mornin'," I yawned. 

"Hi," He mouthed.

Callum blushed crimson as I pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. Once again, I couldn't believe that I had him in my life. That I was allowed to hold him, touch him and kiss him and he wanted me too. He had no idea how much he had changed my life, dug out the rot in my core and replaced it with love. Callum rolled onto his back and stretched out his long limbs. The blanket shifted deliciously around his waist and made that familiar arousal burn through me. But this was a morning for calmness, our nights were for my wicked ways and his receptive body. I propped myself up on one elbow and smoothed his hair away from bright blue eyes. He pouted his lips at me and I obliged with a kiss and a hand on his cheek. Callum pulled back just enough to tap the skin over his heart and point at me. 

"I love you too, you sap,"

He stuck his tongue out at me and shoved me away with a laugh. I moved to the edge of the bed and connected my hearing aid. Callum crawled up behind me and pressed opened mouth kisses to my shoulder. 

"Hey, handsome," He murmured just as he did every morning. He knew that it made me melt. "All good?"

"I've got this tall, blue eyed gorgeous man in my bed. Things couldn't be better,"

He snorted and rose from the bed, padding toward the bathroom. I swiveled around to watch his naked body walk away. 

"Stop ogling and make me pancakes!" He threw over his shoulder, "It's your turn to cook breakfast and I'm tired of cereal. Don't you dare make me burnt toast again, Mitchell!"

"Bossy," 

The bathroom door closed and the shower started up, Callum started singing an old pop song. Sometimes, I thought the smile on my face would be permanent. I hoped it was. I could happily live the rest of my life in Callum's sunshine. 

I had just finished plating up the last of the unburnt pancakes when Callum stumbled into the kitchen, fighting with the sleeves of his shirt. He stood and flapped his arms, a little crease forming between his eyebrows. I would never understand how he could be so suave one minute and such a dork the next but I'd never change him. He fixed me with wide pleading eyes. 

"Ben," He whined. 

His sleeve was inside out and I quickly pulled it the right way, "You're a nightmare. How have you made it to twenty eight if you can't even dress yourself?" 

"I'm lucky and people think I'm cute? It makes them want to give me cookies,"

"I'm not making you cookies, Cal,"

He wrinkled his nose in thought, "You'd burn them,"

Dropping my head to my hand, I groaned loudly but didn't succeed in drowning out Callum's giggle. We both remembered my drunken attempt to make cookies at midnight and the inevitable mess that we woke up to. My mischievous boyfriend would never let me forget. I plonked myself down in my chair and stole the first pancake from the pile. Callum handed me my coffee in the mug that Lexi hand painted for me. The ceramic was painted in a vivid rainbow with wiggly and wonky stars. Callum treated it like it was a priceless treasure whenever he touched it. He had no idea that Lexi had finally finished a mug for him and she was waiting for our next family dinner to give it to him. I hoped it would help him understand that he belonged in our misfit little family. That the people who had raised and hurt him were firmly in the past and we were his future. 

We loved him. Unconditionally. 

I drowned my pancake in syrup and Callum shoveled almost half of his straight into his mouth. A few cars rumbled by outside and the familiar chaos begun in the marketplace. I plucked my phone up and checked the time, frowning as it ticked closer toward nine. 

"Are you working all day?" Callum asked. 

"Just until four,"

"That's good. We could go to the pub tonight. It's been a while since we've had a date,"

A little trickle of guilt settled in my stomach as Callum stared back hopefully. Life had gotten in the way of our once weekly dates and slowly they'd become once a month. Callum had been so patient and understanding. He'd never said a word even though I knew it hurt him. I took his hand in mine and squeezed tight. 

"Tell ya what, I'll take you out on a proper date tonight. To that new restaurant you saw the other day,"

His eyes lit up, "Really? You said it was to flashy. I don't wanna go somewhere that'll make you uncomfortable. We can just go to the pub,"

I shook my head, "Nah, we're going. Only the best for my man. I'll book the table, ok?"

Callum smiled. I would have agreed to anything if he kept that sunshine beam. He had seen far to much heart ache in his life and I was determined that I'd never be the reason he felt it again. 

"Thank you," He said. 

"Baby, you don't need to thank me for taking you out. It's not a hardship,"

At the endearment, he blushed and bit his lip, the usual shyness making him advert his eyes. He would happily call me any loving name that came to mind, handsome, babe, darling, sweetheart and not bat an eyelid. But the second I reciprocated, he became a stammering timid mess. And yet he couldn't hide the joy the endearments caused and I vowed to keep saying them. I checked the time and cringed, chugging back the last few mouthfuls of lukewarm coffee. Callum cleared away the dishes as I dressed with far more success that he had. He was waiting by the door for his goodbye kiss as I hurried out of the bedroom. I wrapped my arms around his waist and enjoyed a slow, lazy kiss with him. It took everything in me to break away and not pull him back to me. 

"Enjoy your day off," I said, "For once in your life, take it easy, Cal. The world will still be there tomorrow,"

"No promises. Bye, Ben. Love you,"

"Love you, too,"

.........................................

After booking us a table, I made a quick detour to a nearby florist and ordered a bouquet of red roses to be sent to the apartment. I had never brought Callum flowers, truthfully, it wasn't something I ever thought I would do. But I found myself changing every day since I fell for Callum. It wasn't a process I was all that worried about. If I could be a better boyfriend, father and friend then how could I be upset? Perhaps I could become the man I always wanted to be but never could. 

A good man. 

The kind my Dad could never be. 

"Daddy!" 

I spun around and opened my arms to my pink coated firecracker. Lexi bounded up to me, pigtails flying and her backpack hanging from her elbows. Lola ambled along behind her. I swept her up with a laugh and pressed loud, wet kisses to her cheeks. She squealed and wriggled in my grasp.

"Ew, Daddy,"

"Ew? You don't like my kisses anymore? I'm heart broken,"

She patted my hand in a way that reminded me of Lola, "No you're not,"

Lola laughed, "That's you told,"

I placed Lexi back down on the ground and straightened her coat. It would need replacing soon, Lexi was growing faster than I could keep up. She peered into the street behind me and huffed, a pout on her lips that I had definitely seen before. 

"Where's Cal, Daddy?"

"He should be in the flat but knowing him, he could be anywhere. Why Princess?" 

"I have to tell him a secret. It's very important,"

Lola met my eyes and shrugged. I raised an eyebrow at my daughter and she stared defiantly up at me. What secret could my eight year old and my boyfriend possibly have? Did Callum even know he was a designated secret keeper?

"Oh, I could tell him,"

"It wouldn't be a secret then. I promised to only tell Cal. When can I see him?" 

"Uh...tomorrow?"

Lexi's face scrunched up as she thought and finally she nodded, "Call him now,"

"Sweetheart, Callum's probably busy right now. Daddy will text him later. We need to go now or we'll be late for school. Again," Lola ushered.

"Fine," Lexi sighed, "Don't forget!"

I let Lexi link our pinkie fingers together, "I promise I won't,"

At the car lot, I sent Callum a text to warn him of Lexi's intentions. He responded with a cryptic text that had my suspicions skyrocketing. I flopped down into my desk chair as I replied to him.

_I don't think I like you two plotting. x_

_You sound a bit paranoid there, Ben. I'm not plotting anything. xx_

I could feel the smirk on his face and rolled my eyes.

_Don't act like you're innocent, Halfway. I know all your tricks. Table's booked for six. Meet you there. x_

He sent back a devil emoji and told me to get to work. I placed my phone down on the desk and dragged a stack of paperwork toward me. Luckily, I had nothing but a day of paperwork and phone calls. Jay would be on hand soon to deal with the clients I frequently lacked enthusiasm for. I chewed on the cap of my pen as I dove into the pile that seemed a lot bigger than it had five minutes ago. 

There was one tiny file left on my desk and my freedom was in sight when Jay burst into my office. The surprise of him made my pen shoot across the paper and my desk, leaving a black line on both. Now, I would have to redo Mister Reynold's policy. I couldn't send it out with a squiggle through it. I huffed and glared at Jay and he stood sheepishly in front of me. 

"Oops," 

"Indeed. What do ya want?"

"I need you to pick up a car,"

I sat back in my chair and folded my arms across my chest, "When?"

"Now,"

I shook my head, "Absolutely not. I promised to take Callum out tonight. I'm not cancelling on him,"

"C'mon, mate. You can go on a date any day. We need this car or we'll loose Mister Andrews,"

"Why can't you go?"

"I've got to be at the parlor. Please Ben. I'll make it up to you and Callum. It's not far, if you're quick you can make it back,"

I rubbed at my eyes, my loyalty to my brother whispering in my ear. We both knew that we couldn't afford to loose another client. But Callum's hopeful eyes burned through my mind. How could I disappoint him? After he had done nothing but love me.

I sighed, "I'll go and get it. But I'm not playing nice with Andrews. If he wants to chat again, I'm bailing,"

Jay nodded furiously and a weight settled in my stomach again. It would be fine. I'd be back in time. 

........................................

I was late. Time had slipped away far to quickly. I left Callum waiting for me alone. I skidded up to the restaurant door, our reservation had been given away hours ago but Callum might still be here. A server in a red waistcoat looked down his nose at me but wandered over anyway.

"Can I help you sir?"

"I had a booking for Mitchell. Did anyone turn up?"

The man's face twisted into pity and bile crawled up my throat.

"Yeah, poor sod waited outside for almost an hour. Kept looking at his phone,"

I stumbled away with a gasp, my pulse racing in my ears. My hands trembled as I dug out my phone and realised with horror that it had been set to silent. Callum had called me three times and left a handful of texts. A few of them were ones of concern, others of anger and the last one broke my heart. An acceptance that I wouldn't come. The certainty that something more important than him had happened. 

_It's ok, Ben. We'll try again soon. Will you come back to mine tonight? xx_

_I'm so sorry, baby. I'm coming home now. Forgive me, please. x_

I didn't even look back as I rushed away. Did Callum honestly think that I didn't want to be beside him tonight? Was he that unsure of his place in my life? How badly had I screwed up tonight?

..........................................

I slipped into the apartment and hung up my coat. Callum's lay abandoned on the sofa, his shoes kicked underneath the coffee table. I rescued them and placed them neatly back in place. The apartment was silent, like it was holding it's breath in fear. The hairs on my arms pricked up and I crept into the living room. The roses had pride of place on the mantle and there was a half finished microwave meal on the table. I bit my lip, Callum hated those things and only ate them when he was to tired to cook. He wasn't in the kitchen, the packaging of the meal had been discarded in the sink beside an empty beer bottle. I flicked of the lights and headed for the bedroom, my heart in my throat. The closed door was ominous and I took a second to gather myself enough to meet the anger I deserved. 

I knocked hesitantly, "Cal? Baby?"

There was no answer and I entered the bedroom. It was empty. The bed hadn't been slept in. Casting an eye around the room had me freezing in place. The wardrobe door was open and some of Callum's clothes were missing. His phone lay abandoned on his pillow. 

"Callum!" I called, my voice breaking over his name, "Where are you? Callum!"

My knees shook as I dashed to the bathroom. He wasn't there. I stood in the corner of our bedroom, the room that held so many happy memories and couldn't stop the tears from falling. I'd forced the man I loved away. Made him run without saying goodbye. I couldn't even call him and beg for forgiveness. I didn't know where he was. Was he coming home? Where would he go? 

I threw myself down the stairs and out into the street, spinning aimlessly around, praying for a sign. Maybe even Callum coming home. But there was nothing but the cold and an endless night. My hair stuck to my scalp and my eyes stung. I couldn't make myself return to that empty flat. To the ghost of my relationship. 

"Ben?"

Whitney approached me, her eyes concerned and stopped me from moving. She kept a gentle hand on my shoulder as I did my best to focus on her. My vision wavered and I rubbed my palms across my eyes. I grasped her wrists and she gasped. 

"Ben, let go,"

"Have you seen Callum? Is he with you?"

"I've not seen him. Ben, you're hurting me,"

"Are you sure? Has he spoken to you today?"

"No! Ouch, Ben!"

She wrenched her arms away and I clenched my fists, digging my nails into my palms hard enough to bruise. Whitney stared at me like I was a wild animal and I shrunk away from her. Something flashed across her features and she sighed, dragging me over to a bench and pushing me down. 

"What's happened?" She asked. 

I sniffed, "He's left me. I don't know where he is?"

"Did you argue?"

"I missed another date. My phone was on silent and I didn't realise and I....he waited for me....for an hour...,"

Despite my earlier actions and the bruises that had to be forming on her wrist, Whitney took my hand in hers. I found myself clinging to the woman I had fought with for Callum's heart. Would he go to her if he felt neglected? Was she his secret keeper?

"That doesn't sound like Callum. He wouldn't give up on you that easy. Have you tried calling him?"

"He left his phone,"

"So he must be nearby. He's not stupid, he wouldn't go far without being able to contact someone. Go and wait for him. He's probably gone for a run. He'll be back soon,"

I paused and breathed. Whitney's logic slowly sunk into my head. Callum's workout gear had gone from the wardrobe and he never had his phone when he went jogging. He was always worried that he'd break it somehow. 

"R-really?"

She smiled, "He used to go for runs all the time whenever he got upset,"

But Whitney didn't know that he tried to hurt himself when he was alone. That the voices in his head sometimes got to loud for him to ignore. I couldn't leave him alone if he was struggling. Especially if it was my fault. I squeezed her hand in gratitude and turned to walk the same path Callum always ran. 

I'm coming, Cal. 


	2. Chapter 2

Hold on to love. (On to me)

Callum Highway.

There are monsters that live in my head. 

They look like me. They sound like _him._

The nights are their domain and they whisper hideous secrets in my ear.

I've never been able to outrun their reach.

I thought I was stronger than them.

......I was wrong.....

Ben didn't answer my calls. That was the catalyst. 

There was someone else screaming at me down the phone instead. A nightmare in the skin of a man. Belittling me. Hating me. Hoping I was someone else. Wishing for me to disappear. 

_"_ _Don't ignore me! Who do you think you are?"_

I stood on the pavement, rain drops sliding down my nose and the collar of my shirt. The host threw me another glance that was the wrong side of sympathetic. Shame made me flush and I shuffled my feet through a puddle. He kept looking at me and giggling with a pretty girl at his side. I tugged my coat collar up higher to hide my face. Furious tears stung and I subtly swiped my hand over my wet face. Ben had never stood me up before. And ever since Keanu had hurt me, I had never been ignored. I hadn't realised how safe that knowledge made me feel. Knowing that Ben was just a phone call away if I needed him. He had promised to always come for me, always find me. 

But I was better now. The cuts and bruises Keanu had branded into my skin had faded. My ribs were healed and the concussion gone. I didn't need Ben to look after me anymore and he always had better things to do. A beautiful daughter who needed him far more than his insecure boyfriend deserved. I didn't blame Ben. If I was him, I wouldn't want me either. Not as cracked and fearful as I had become. 

Unpredictable. 

Damaged.

Sending Ben one final text message hurt more than I expected. While he owed me nothing, I hoped there was enough love left in him to spare me one night at his side. I was beginning to loath the loneliness.

The microwaved lasagna tasted like ash in my mouth. I chased it down with warm beer that settled heavily in my stomach. Ben had brought me roses. No one had ever sent me flowers before. Chris had given me a wilted daisy once, picked from an dusty battlefield and I had tossed it away with a laugh. I wish I kept that flower. It wasn't there when I went back for it. I ran a fingertip over a satin petal and plucked it ruthlessly from the bloom. I crushed it in my palm until it was nothing but pulp. In the bedroom my phone chimed a happy little tune that I didn't set for anyone. Yet I know exactly who was calling. The one person I had been trying to escape from my entire life. How could one man have so much sway over me? One measly human could reduce me to a trembling mess with a few words. Ben must be so proud of his soldier boyfriend. The phone was pressed against my ear before my head had caught up.

"Leave me alone,"

A mocking, cold laugh echoed around me, "Not a chance. I'm not done with you,"

"Dad, please. This is enough. Stop calling me,"

"I need you to realise that what you're doing is wrong. You need help, son. I'm trying to be a good father here,"

My skin crawled, "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm happy now. This is who I am,"

"That Mitchell boy has you confused. Come home to me and we can get that sorted out. There are people here who can help you,"

I sunk down into the corner of the room and chewed on my thumb, "I don't need help. I love Ben,"

"No, you don't!" I startled so badly that my head bounced off the wall, "He doesn't love you. You're nothing but a game to him. I know his type. He's only after one thing and you're to lovestruck to see it. I promise you now, Callum, he'll leave you in the gutter once he gets bored,"

I trembled, "I don't believe you. Ben loves me,"

Dad paused and all I could hear was his heavy and furious growls down the phone, "Why would he love you? Now that he's seen the man you are? We both know that no one will ever love you. What's there to love? You're nothing. No one,"

I hung up before he could burrow in deeper and drive me further into the darkness than I had ever been. But he was a weight that dragged me down until I couldn't reach the surface. Was he right? Was I truly that vile? That worthless? I swung around with a garbled wail and my fist collided with the wardrobe frame. My knuckles split open and for a heart beat, I stared at the blood as it trickled. I ground my fist into the wardrobe, trying to use the burning and throbbing to center myself. It used to calm the tempest in my head, the madness that came with being wrong and warped and twisted and hated and unwanted. It didn't. It just made the shame burn stronger. Ben would be so disappointed in me. Hurting myself to try to escape my emotions. He always told me that I was better than that. Truthfully, I wasn't. There was nothing good in me. 

It was all pretend. 

The walls begun to cave in and I threw on my workout gear and pounded out into the street. 

........................

I fell. 

A dark, mud slicked path had been enough to undo me. I sat in a muddy puddle and let my head fall into my hands. My ankle throbbed in time with my pulse and there was the metallic taste of blood on my tongue. I knew that I should stand up and brush myself off but I didn't have the energy. There was nothing left in me anymore. I hadn't even realised that I had sunk this low again. I didn't think it was still in me. I couldn't be the happy, goofy Callum Highway anymore. Someone else needed to be my light and there was no one to hear me. I dragged my knees tighter into my chest and let out a slow shaky breath. 

When did I become this mess?

"CALLUM!"

Warm hands patted my face and ran down my arms. I curled up tighter but Ben was persistent and his fingers curled underneath my chin. I shut my eyes before I could see Ben's face and read the disgust on it. Ben stroked my hair and wiped away the tears that I forgot were falling. 

"Look at me, Cal. Are you hurt? I'm sorry I wasn't there, I got held up and I didn't realise the time,"

I nodded and turned away from him, pushing my fingers into my eyes until I saw stars. Ben tugged on my wrist and even though I fought back, he pinned my palms to his chest. He touched my face like I was something fragile and precious. Underneath my hands, his pulse raced and his breaths stuttered. I hated that I was frightening him but there was screaming in my head. Or was it just the wind? Was it me? 

"Hey now, shh. Don't panic, baby. I'm here now, I've got you. I need you to open your eyes now,"

"I can't," I whimpered, "Ben, please,"

"You can. It's just me. You don't need to hide," He pressed a kiss to my forehead, "You're safe with me, remember?"

I tangled my hand in his hoodie my burrowed into his shoulder. Ben just wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me in closer. He must have been freezing, the water had probably seeped through his jeans but he didn't move. A chilly wind blew around us and I shivered. Ben moved back a bit and something heavy settled over me. I got a waft of his cologne and tobacco smoke. His coat. More tears dripped down my face and all I wanted to do was hide. I didn't deserve him. 

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed, "I'm such a mess,"

Ben laughed softly, "And I'm not? But you're my mess, Cal. I love you,"

I raised my head and hesitantly opened my eyes. Ben smiled at me and his shoulders slumped. 

"There you are. You scared me. I thought you'd left me,"

"I'm sorry,"

He sighed and adjusted his coat around my neck, "Stop apologising. You've done nothing wrong. What happened?"

I shrunk away from him. What if Dad was right and I was just another notch on the bed post. A conquest to add to his long list. The time Ben Mitchell outed Callum Highway to the world on his wedding day. I stared into those eyes that had always been such a comfort to me and could almost see the game. I was so desperate for love that I threw myself into the arms of a man who didn't want commitment. 

"Cal, what's wrong?"

"Let me go! I have to...have to...,"

Ben stepped toward me and I stumbled backward until my back bumped into a fence. I darted frenzied glances into the darkness around me. Maybe I could shove Ben off balance just enough to run. Ben touched my jaw, his skin so warm and gentle and my knees buckled. He caught me with a grip around my waist. I was weak for this stubborn man and slumped against him. 

"I'm not going to let you leave me, Callum. Not you. What ever has happened, we'll deal with it. Together,"

I didn't know if I believed him. We'd never tackled any problems together. Ben had always been determined to deal with things alone. Leaving me to pick up the pieces of the fallout. I wasn't like Ben. I drowned when I was alone. Spiraled and tumbled into a black void that I had never escaped from. 

Ben squeezed me tight to him, "Trust me, baby. I've got you,"

"You've got me,"

"Always,"

........................................................

My sleep was uneasy. I tossed and turned and dreamed of dark eyes and large, angry hands. Ben was ever patient and gentle, soothing away the nightmares with kisses and hugs. He always knew when the voices were too loud and he spoke of our tomorrows. A house with a big garden, a blue front door, a dog, perhaps even a sibling for Lexi. Everything he said was to good for someone like me but I held the images tight to me. 

Ben pottered around in the kitchen, straightening up the mess I had made and checking on me routinely. I was disconnected from the world, floating somewhere out in space and Ben was a ragged tether to reality. In my darkest moments, I wished that I had the strength to sever the tie. The world didn't need me and I wasn't so certain that I wanted it. I hugged Ben's worn out shirt to me and watched my phone vibrate across the cabinet. It was Whitney's ringtone. I rolled over and let it ring. She was just another failure. Someone else I had hurt. The phone fell silent for a few moments and started ringing again. 

"Are you going to answer that?" Ben asked. 

"It's Whitney. I'll phone her back,"

I heard Ben creep into the bedroom and hover at the edge of the bed. 

"It might be important,"

I shrugged one shoulder, "She'll leave a message,"

"Cal?"

"What?"

"...I love you,"

"Love you too,"

The bed dipped down on his side and he stroked my arm. I swallowed hard and shoved my bruised fist into my mouth. Ben sniffed and it sounded thick. 

"Do you hate me?" He whispered.

I peered over my shoulder at him. His face was pale and there was a watery sheen to his eyes. He was waiting for a judgement that I would never pass. This small, gorgeous man was my entire world. How could I ever feel anything but love for him?

"Of course not. You were busy. It's ok. I'm not mad,"

Ben's grip on my arm tightened and he pulled on my hand to press it to his face. He hadn't shaved yet and his stubble scratched at my palm. I curled my fingers behind his ear in comfort. 

"I shouldn't have done it. I thought I'd be back in time. I didn't mean to leave you waiting,"

"Enough, Ben. It was a mistake, these things happen. We'll try again,"

Ben flinched, "Somewhere else, yeah? I'll take you to the West End. See a show perhaps,"

I let my hand fall back to the pillow, "Sure. That'll be nice,"

"Can I stay with you?"

"I think I'd rather be alone for a little bit,"

Ben made a strange choking noise but complied without a word. I burrowed under the duvet and hide in the darkness. 

..................................................................

Anguished voices dragged me from my daze what felt like days later. The clock told me that only a few hours had passed. I pushed myself up to lean against the headboard and rub out the grit from my eyes. There was a mug of congealed hot chocolate and a plate of cold toast on the cabinet beside me. Ben had stuck one of my roses in an empty jam jar and squiggled on a post-it note. 

**These will probably be cold by the time you wake up. Tell me if you want some more. Or if you need anything. I'm just outside the door. I love you. x**

I folded up the note and stored it in my drawer. Ben was trying so hard but it wouldn't be enough. There was a yawning chasm inside my chest and Dad's voice on repeat. My gaze wandered around my bedroom, landing on trinkets that Ben had snuck in and the photographs I had tacked to the walls. Had it all just been a lie? Surely Ben wouldn't pretend for this long. I limped barefoot to the closed bedroom door and creaked it open a crack. Ben sat against the wall, the blanket from the sofa thrown over his lap and a cushion by his side. I was surprised to see him wearing his glasses and my old bathrobe. He held his phone to his ear and chewed on his nail. 

"I don't know what's wrong, Lo. He won't talk to me. He's just shut down. What can I do?"

He listened for a moment and wriggled on the ground. The movement made the tear tracks on his cheeks gleam and my heart shuddered. I never wanted to make him cry. 

"I've tried that, he just tells me to leave him alone. What if there's something really wrong? He could be ill. Someone might have hurt him and I wasn't there to protect him. Lola...what if I lose him?"

There was silence and Ben slowly hung up the phone and placed it on the ground. He looked so small and hopeless sat alone in the corridor. He brought his hands up to his face and sighed. Was he really prepared to spend the night in our hallway on the off-chance that I might need him? I hadn't banished him from the bed. And even if I had, we had a fairly comfortable sofa. He could sleep there. I stepped out into the hall, my toes curling against the floorboards and bit my lip. 

"Ben?"

His head shot up so fast that I winced for him, "Are you ok? What do you need?" 

I knelt down in front of him and tried to smile, "Come to bed with me,"

A frown flickered onto his face, "Are you sure? I can stay here if you still want some space. I'm all good,"

He grinned toothily at me and I fell in love with him all over again. This man could help me fight my demons away again. Like he had before. I tugged on his sleeve. 

"Please. The bed's cold and I miss you. I'm sorry I made you leave,"

"Don't be sorry. C'mon beautiful, my butt's gone numb," 

I pulled him to his feet and laughed as he shook out his legs. He smiled softly at me and the love I saw took my breath away. I traced his lips and he kissed my fingers. He led me into the bedroom and settled down on his side of the bed. I hesitated at the bedside, doubt gnawed away at my insides. Ben opened his arm out to me and waggled his fingertips. I curled up against his side. 

"Baby?" Ben said. 

"Yeah,"

"Will you tell me what's wrong?"

I nestled in closer, hiding my face in his shoulder. Ben pulled me tighter to his chest until I was almost lying on him. 

"It's stupid,"

"I highly doubt anything you say is stupid,"

"Tomorrow. I can't tonight. Don't make me,"

He rubbed soothing circles on my back and kissed the crown of my head, "Alright. Sleep now, Cal,"

I kissed his chest and pulled the duvet over us. Tomorrow I would face my Dad's hatred head on. With Ben at my side I couldn't lose. 


End file.
